Jun. 5th, 2010 05:51 am
ysonesse: (Default)
[personal profile] ysonesse
(First posted on Runaway Tales:  Pickle #12, Cheeseburger #5)

Labor Day, 2011

It’s easy to forget how outside feels …yeah, that does sound kooky. What else could I feel like after no sleep, leaky boobs, all that “fun” stuff which comes along with a new kidlet? Yes, I’m talking about you, dear Eva (who will read this one day and cringe or something…well, I’m your mother, and that’s probably my job!). In the present, you’re a month old, you kind of sleep during the night except on those occasions when you decide to stay awake, your parents are somewhat functional zombies. In other words, it’s the standard new baby experience (complete with that new baby smell!...which is good sometimes, not good at other times).

Okay, where did my attention span go?  Today we brought you over to the grandparentals’ house for their annual Labor Day barbecue, which is a variation on the Sunday brunch that I and your aunt still feel compelled to attend even though it’s uncomfortable. “So why do you feel uncomfortable?” you’ll ask one day. How do I explain this without giving a bad impression of your grandparents? How do I explain the misery two people who never should have gotten married? Love is tricky, because people are tricky, and sometimes what feels right shouldn’t be allowed.

Maybe it’s just my present hormonal state-of-weird. But I can’t avoid noticing the truth; ever since I married your Dad and especially since you were born. I can’t help realizing how messed up things have always been with my parents. How can you live in the same house, eat at the same table, sleep in the same bed, drive in the same car, do anything with somebody you can’t stand?

Someday when you read this diary, the grandparentals might be divorced, living apart. Maybe they can be happy someplace else, away from each other. That sounds bizarre. Wanting your parents to get divorced is the last desperate hope from a frustrated child. Their accommodation for the sake of I-don’t-know-why made things really passive aggressive and tense when I was younger. Me and your aunt had okay childhoods; every material thing kids might imagine were given to us. And don’t think your grandparents didn’t show us love…to us, never to each other. Every day was tense. Whatever brought Mom/Dad together back in college didn’t last. I don’t know what questionable magnetic force allowed them to hook up in the first place. They met in the early (19)70’s; maybe it was cheap wine and marijuana? What keeps them together now? I guess familiarity (your grandmom doesn’t like being alone) and routine…the bad economy doesn’t help (even people with a certain amount of money find divorce is major expensive).

They’ve reached some unspoken agreement to keep the union as is, in whatever shape their marriage happens to be right now. What comes next…they probably know, but won’t let us know until…someday.